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Man, life isn't mortgages
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[Monday ♥ December ♥ 31 ♥ 1:28 am] |
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I kind of forgot about this thing. Life is weird. I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. It's one of the worse feelings i've ever had. I'm sure it seems to people like i just don't give a fuck and i'm just kinda drifting through life, and i kind of feel like that, too, sometimes... but i have plans. I just need to get the fuck out of superfresh and into school. i make pretty decent money, i just can't stand god damn fruits and veggies. The people version of fruits a veggies I'm not a fan of either. Ya know what you never see? A person with a full cart of groceries in the produce section. And on the random occasions when I do I always find it very odd and usually run about in some kind of frenzy. "i forgot my pomegranate...let's go back" That's what they say, I promise. I'm kind of at the point in my life where i feel like i need to settle down. I take a look at my brothers and they have their own house and Justin's only a year older than me and he's making some $50,000 a year, and then i look at myself and i'm like what the fuck am i doing? I feel like my parents look at me and wonder what went wrong. I dunno, I think maybe I'm at a better position than some people my age but i still don't feel satisfied. I guess that's the problem with people, we're never satisfied.
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[Friday ♥ October ♥ 26 ♥ 11:50 pm] |
update!
no more weedz.
my life is stupid.
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[Thursday ♥ May ♥ 24 ♥ 3:38 am] |
wow. school's over. But i'm not overly excited about it. I'm sure it would have been more enjoyable for me if I would have been able to graduate on time. I would have at least had the option of doing it on stage and going to all that senior stuff. I don't know if I would have though, but I kind of feel like I'm missing out. That stuff never really appealed to me but everyones so happy about it and everyone has all the pictures, i'll probably regret it. But at the same time, I never really talked to anyone in school. All of my real good friends left after 10th grade, zach and I broke up, and most of the people I hang out with go to different schools. Getting sick was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me.. and at a horrible time. I'm not using that as an excuse, I just know it made things pretty hard. And i'm still dealing with it. My immune system sucks right now. I'm pretty sick again. I've had a fever for 3 days. I hate this so much.
Summer school is going to suck. I really wanted to use this time to work at a camp but it's not happening. So i'll be stuck at super fresh for another summer. It's stupid.. I feel like I have to do all of these things but I don't think I'm getting anywhere. There's so much I want to get out of life, I just don't know where to begin, and it's very frustrating for me. I should be saving my money, but instead i'll spend it on a trip to ocean city for senior week. Thats about the only senior thing I'm doing.
I've seen a couple old friends the past couple weeks. I miss so many people, but I also enjoy who I hang out with so much. I really miss zach, not really even the relationship, just him in general. He is a good person.
Other relationships have had issues, but we've worked them out. I don't like fights over petty things, but i know at the same time there were deeper issues that needed to be confronted that would not have surfaced if the petty argument hadn't started it. So good and bad came out of it. I felt betrayed. That's probably the worst feeling in the world. It was like someone punched me in the gut. And I felt like I was getting kicked while I was already down. I'm over it now. I just never want to go through that again, with any friend. It's just sad for me sometimes I guess because I don't think people really know who I am deep down. I am very passive aggressive and I hate it so I'm trying to be more assertive, because it's like people expect something out of you... and sometimes there are lines that don't need to be or shouldn't be crossed. I have to set my boundaries better with me friends. I just hate confrontation so much.
I'm probably going to quit smoking, which is going to be pretty hard for me, but it will be worth it. It just makes me sick, and I'm tired of being sick all the time. Plus I don't want one of those creepy voice boxes when i'm old. I want to be healthier. I'm hopefully going to join my mom's gym and start working out and shit too. we'll see what happens though, I have bad habits I need to break through.
Being sick has made me watch things that make my brain hurt. I watched american idol. WTF? And celebrity fit club... Dustin Diamond is a dick by the way.
I'm getting a tattoo as soon as I save up some dough. Which souldn't be too long. I'm selling some of my shit, and working more super fresh hours so it'll be soon.
Everyone should watch joe rogan's comedy special. He is hilarious. And his theories are excellent. A lot of that shit makes me wonder about my beliefs and shit. It changes my whole perspective on life and death.
I'm thinking about becoming a nomad. I'll pitch a tent every once in a while and kill some shit. Sweet!
I smoked some awesome weed tonight. We got a fire pit so we sit around that and blaze. I'm high as giraffe pussy. That's probably why this entry was so long.
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[Monday ♥ February ♥ 26 ♥ 1:16 pm] |
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My life is nuts right now. It actually kind of sucks... real bad. I can't go to school or work or do anything really, well i'm not suppose to, because of mono. God dammit. It sucks because I will get really really sick and then feel better for a few days and then get really sick again and they said this could last for months. SO i havent been to school or work for over a month. God damn, i don't even know what the date is. And on the days that I'm feeling better I just want to go out and hang with my smash brahs but I get bitched at for leaving. And my mom can't really do anything about it i guess because I'm 18 but I don't want to push her into trying to kick me out of the house... although I do have two locations where I am guaranteed a place to live. But I've got it good here. I'm really just stressed out though because my whole school situation is fucked. I don't know if I am going to graduate on time now. I might have to take summer courses which will really suck because it will interfere with my plans to work at a summer camp. I really wanna do that. I will be making a lot more doing that than I do at superfresh and i don't have to do any real work. Its all fun and games. But the downside is I will only have friday and saturdays back home. I dunno. I just don't want to not graduate. And I want to get my life back on track, its so fucked up. I have other problems. My brothers just moved out of their house and everyone is so stressed out and high strung. They are trying to kill each other. And I fucking miss that basement so much. I cried over it.
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[Sunday ♥ November ♥ 26 ♥ 12:49 am] |
So this week has been the most emotional week i think i've ever had to endure. It's crazy...
Sooo much shit going on.
I'm just so glad I have Jimmy to help my through this.
I am probably going to move to Texas in a couple of months.
My dad is fucking crazy. I don't think him and I will ever have a decent relationship, not after this.
I missed a lot of school last week. I am probably going to fail. This sucks.
Word got around that I quit superfresh. I never told a manager I was quitting... they took me off the schedule for next week. That's bullshit... I would have given them 2 weeks notice if I was quiting.
I need to get a raise though. I can do produce, salad bar, seafood, HBA, grocery, ACMS, register, and they are now training me for the front end and customer service. Plus Melvin told everyone I was his favorite at the store. And fuckin brandi got a raise and i've been there like 6 months longer than her...and all she does is bakery. If I don't then I really am leaving that place... i was supposed to get a mandatory one after being cross trained so they really owe me money. bastards. I better get that too.
I just want people to accept who I am in love with. I am going to feel how I feel regardless if they accept or not so it would just be a lot easier on everyone if they'd just open their eyes and see what is fucking clear as day. We loved with a love that was more than love.
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[Thursday ♥ November ♥ 9 ♥ 11:38 pm] |
mmmm life is soooo good. I'm happy. really, i am. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I love them all so much.
And it's only going to get better, I know it.
I wish zach was still in my life. he is a great person but i think it may be awkward. He seems a lot happier and that's something I wanted. I couldn't make him happy the way he needed to be happy.
Me, Jake, Jimmy, Kae, Ashleigh, Graham, Anthony and some other kids went to the village. It was awesome. Me jake and jimmy got lost on the way up there which really sucked but it was worth it. the view from the traintracks was so beautiful. Oh man.. i have pictures, i just have to buy a new cord for my camera before i can post them. HAHA we scared the shit out of some kids though. hahaha.
I am excited about life.
I wish school was over so i could get on with it.
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[Thursday ♥ November ♥ 9 ♥ 11:38 pm] |
mmmm life is soooo good. I'm happy. really, i am. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I love them all so much.
And it's only going to get better, I know it.
I wish zach was still in my life. he is a great person but i think it may be awkward. He seems a lot happier and that's something I wanted. I couldn't make him happy the way he needed to be happy.
Me, Jake, Jimmy, Kae, Ashleigh, Graham, Anthony and some other kids went to the village. It was awesome. Me jake and jimmy got lost on the way up there which really sucked but it was worth it. the view from the traintracks was so beautiful. Oh man.. i have pictures, i just have to buy a new cord for my camera before i can post them. HAHA we scared the shit out of some kids though. hahaha.
I am excited about life.
I wish school was over.
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[Thursday ♥ October ♥ 12 ♥ 5:49 pm] |
well today was strange.
went to school but i was late because i had a "flat tire"
epi was ok and passed quickly.
Me and ashleigh picked up jimmy. we went to my house to find money for the mva but no luck, so i didn't go.
aderall, ridge, superfresh, brother's.
picked up jake; went to the mall....and then we got stuff.
I took ashleigh home.
back to the brothers.
smoke. grandma's boy. and i just picked up zachary.
I drove a lot today but at least i was productive.
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[Monday ♥ October ♥ 9 ♥ 7:16 pm] |
School is only three hours long and still i think i may be failing. It's not because i am stupid, it's because I am lazy. I need to rethink my priorities. Quiting smoking is in my future almost certainly. I think I am missing too many assignments in english to ever be able to get a decent grade this quarter. My senior project is due in 7 days and I haven't started. I should stop typing this and start working on that. But it probably won't happen.
nope...
I am a horrible girlfriend. really...more horrible than most. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. All I know is I am glad I surround myself with so many awesome people. It really is good for me; i don't like to be alone. It gets me thinking some fucked up shit. i'd rather be laughing and stupid shit of the like.
I'm done.
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[Thursday ♥ September ♥ 14 ♥ 11:52 pm] |
i want shit to go down. every night new weapons are made. it's fuckin sweet.
i have been a fuckin asshole to zach lately, i dunno why..
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[Monday ♥ September ♥ 11 ♥ 6:37 am] |
fuckin monkeys broke into my car and stole my wallet.
so now i'll have to go to the mva and shit out more money.
fuckin rez got hurt and had to go to the vet.
I'm poor.
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[Friday ♥ September ♥ 8 ♥ 1:35 pm] |
I am off all weekend
its fucking sweet and i love it.
Getting out early is the best.
Today ashleigh came home with me.
And we went to chick fil a and shit.
I am getting smashed tonight i think.
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[Wednesday ♥ September ♥ 6 ♥ 10:58 pm] |
it's fuckin sweet getting out of school at 10:45 everyday.
all this extra time is swell.
But I am sad that the boys are selling their house.
And I am sad I will have to work more.
And sad that people are moving away.
and sad for ol stevie
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[Monday ♥ September ♥ 4 ♥ 12:20 pm] |
dammit.
steve irwin died.
I am genuinly sad.
good that he died doing something he loved
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[Saturday ♥ September ♥ 2 ♥ 9:59 am] |
Jason, Andrew, and Billy got into a fight with the fucking assholes outside. In a fucking hurricane too while nobody had any power. And they were outnumbered like 5 to 1. I thought somebody was going to die. They told us they were going to come back and shoot shit up. We have an Ak though.
it's pretty shitty when you can't live in a neighborhood that you've lived in your entire life due to fucking low life assholes.
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[Wednesday ♥ August ♥ 23 ♥ 12:27 am] |
I hung out with zach and matt for a little while yesterday.
josh and i were convinced his hand was made of wax lastnight.
and chris made him swallow an m&m cause he told him it was a pill.
and everyone's eyes were bleeding.
my brothers have to move because of the stupid fucking niggers that live in their neighborhood. I was seriously ready to run them over with my car the other day. They completely smashed out jason's back windshield and threw a brick through the back door. They are fucking worthless. They contribute nothing to society and they'd be better off dead. I will set their homes a blaze.
(i don't call them niggers because they are black, i call them niggers because of the way they act)
i don't want to go back to school.
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[Monday ♥ August ♥ 14 ♥ 2:31 pm] |
dan and esa got stabbed in new york by some italians and cliff got hit with a baseball bat. i think they are ok though.
i love zachary's pit, she's adorable.
i think i missed the day where i have to go and get a parking pass and get my schedule changed. =X
and i never got my senior portrait either. fuck school i don't wanna go back.
my memory sucks.
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[Friday ♥ August ♥ 4 ♥ 11:12 pm] |
I completely forgot to mention going to conan's set at the rockerfeller center. It's so tiny.
I still god damn hate superfresh. but at least now i can work on the floor and i think they're training me for the front end. Jeremy is a damn moron sommetimes. It sucks driving all the way down there when i don't stay at the boys though.
I miss kae and ash and kelly and everybody from last summer.
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[Monday ♥ July ♥ 31 ♥ 5:53 am] |
Zachary got a puppy today. Everyone keeps getting dogs.
i have to be up in 4 hours to drive back home and go shopping with my mom but i can't sleep.
We play too much mario party. and i should stop smoking. And street kitty is fucking crazy. goodnight.
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[Monday ♥ July ♥ 17 ♥ 5:18 am] |
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took soooooo many tramadols
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